how to recover from abuse

How would I begin the process of recovering from 4 years in an abusive relationship that destroyed my life?

Alright, heavy question. The short answer is find a great therapist. But in the meantime I'll do my best to give you some insight and some tangible things to work on. Let me preface by saying, you might not agree with everything I suggest, and that's okay. Please know that it comes from a good place, one that is meant only to help.

I want to start by saying, I'm so sorry to hear you've experienced any sort of abuse at all. Period. It must have significantly impacted the way you think and feel about not only yourself, but about people and life. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But hey, the fact that you're talking about the experience in the past tense is already a huge sign of progress to me! The damage has been done, yes, but the experience is behind you, and hopefully your ex-partner is too (not literally, that would be bad, but figuratively, I mean, you are no longer seeing them anymore).

You say that they destroyed your life. Wow, I can only imagine how awful the experience must have been. But destroyed? On this point, I'd have to disagree! They may have significantly damaged it, caused immeasurable suffering and pain, absolutely. But if it were destroyed, it would mean that it is beyond repair. And if you're writing to me, it means your life is still very much in tact - which is great news!

Now, I'm going to ask you a question. And it might seen counterintuitive, or come off as insensitive, or crass but I assure you that is not my intention. Here it is:

How did you contribute to this? What part of this experience can you take accountability for? (okay two questions).

Not because any of the abuse is your fault! And certainly not because you deserved it. Answers to the question might look something like, "I didn't establish a boundary, when I was unhappy with something...I said yes, when I wanted to say no..." Which will lead to more questions, like "What stopped me from asking for what I want? What was I feeling at the time?" Again, the intention of these questions aren't to cast blame or cause further insult to this injury, no. I simply want us get in the habit of distinguishing between our own behavior, and our ex-partners. It will help establish a new, objective narrative of the experience. And more importantly, help to establish a truth that the pain from the experience is clouding. Which is this:

We are stronger than we think! We may have felt helpless at the time, yes. But we don't need to, anymore. This is where a great therapist comes into play. They'll help you to process the experience, learn about yourself, and guide you not only towards the fulfilling life you've always wanted, but to becoming the person that's more than capable of acquiring it.

I hope this helps! Wishing you lots of love and support as you embark on this journey.